Life can be made simple but not easy
I recently attended a 6-week long program with Arjun Som which he named “Life made simple (LMS)”. It was a small group of wonderful seekers to explore different polarities and paradoxes of life where he generously shared pointers to deal with them in a healthy way. Our world is full of duality like stability vs growth, controls vs surrender and so on, and each of these dualities is posed as a polarity in front of us. Though it may initially look like a problem to be solved, however the pull on both sides is so strong that it almost becomes an art to deal with them on an ongoing basis rather than finding one time fix.
At high level, there are these three questions to inquire yourself -
1. Ask the meta question first — whether you even want to or have to engage with the paradox or not?
This is one fundamental question to ask even before trying to work out any “resolution” between the polarities. Ask whether the situation or polarity is serving you or not — as same thing can serve differently for each person. Another thing is to check which are the polarities which are showing up more prominently in your life. As there can be many polarities in everyone's life but working on them all at once can be an overwhelming experience. If you decide to engage, move on to next question.
2. Ask whether you are operating from fear or love (i.e. below the line or above the line).
Love says I am everything, wisdom says I am nothing. Life happens in between them. Both statements mean the same thing as both are rooted in non-duality. Love is accepting what is with no “ifs” at all. Love keeps us in present, fear takes us away from being in the present. Love is about enjoying the process; fear can be about the process or the outcome or both. Fear tries to control and survive vs love is ready to lose control, surrender and thrive. We need to survive and thrive both. When moving to thriving, we need to let go of things which worked earlier during survival.
Do you miss or fear anything other than what you think? Mind always tell the worst-case scenario and so you need to ask whether it is “the truth”. This could help to loosen the hold of mind on you. Notice physically in body where you are feeling fear without forcing anything and trust the response. Look at signs of stress or other emotions to slow down and look at the bigger picture, Go back to center often. In non-violence communication the concept is to “connect before correct” — applies to self also — see how child in me acts — we are always worth of love irrespective of how you behaved, triggered etc. Again, the key is to come in the body and be present often. Do it as a practice daily. It is a long journey, so develop patience.
Any stress is resisting reality. Moving to love requires us to become aware of the fear, example when you “have to do” something. “Have to do” comes with not taking responsibility as you are forgoing your choice. You always have a choice; example you can always decide to smile in even the hardest of situation. You can choose peace in any moment. Ask how can you be at peace with whatever you choose? The answer is by coming to present moment instead of being in past or future. Ask how you can trust what you really believe in even if it is wrong. Trust can be at three levels — external, internal and finally knowing that life will take care — by looking back and recognizing how life has helped you so far. Reclaim your power of choice by relating to our thoughts and emotions in a right way.
You need to check your assumptions, like when resisting, ask yourself, is it hard to do or is it something you don't want to do. Also, chances are that you are operating from fear when there is a sense to achieve perfect, justification, control etc. Accept the fear without trying to fix or judge it. Ask can you still survive inspite of this fear and center yourself, create more space, come to body! Ask what you are not accepting. Ask what the best thing you can do. How you are blocking grace by not acknowledging it. You are a human being, so it is normal. Are you willing to move into space of trust. Ask what you are not trusting. Trusting comes with risk, if you don't feel ready and answer is no, trust that answer too. If the answer is yes, ask what the action is you can take in next 20 mins, example can be to feel your emotion, call someone to apologize etc. Also you can have some rituals like gratitude journal, reminding universe is a friend, meditation etc.
Moving from fear to love is not about how but rather about asking about my readiness. If you are sleeping, I can awake you up, but if you are pretending to be asleep, I can’t wake you. Even Buddha has goals to teach more people, but the difference is from what space you are operating from. Our desires can help to show you two things — what you want and what you have to heal.
3. Ask if you want to balance and transcend the polarity
You can either balance or transcend the polarity you are working upon. Balance and transcendence both are required in their own rights. May be balance in short term and transcendence in long term could be one of the strategies.
Balance — It is about how do you make the situation better. It is a skillful act. Life can be approached in two ways; how do you win more and second how do you gracefully accept failures. Both are important instead of inclining towards one all the time. Starting point is to see the polarity. Perhaps there is a space for both. You need both as both has merits. See it is different than a problem. It is not one time but a continuous thing. Write down the polarity. It is an infinite loop between both sides, appreciate the beauty of the current side. See what the fears of the other side are, what is the downside of continuing in the current reality and then what are the positives of new reality.
If you check, you will find that there is generally bias or natural inclination towards one side. The bias is because of underlying belief or justification or worldview in something. Suggestion is to look at this belief as true but not the only truth. Be curious about the other side of the belief, it might open up something. In cases you are clear towards your choice of being at one side of the polarity, there are chances that you could be in denial, or else you might have already dissolved the polarity. There is no right or wrong here. Ask yourself what your sense is and trust it. If you are not over-indulging in one side of polarity, it is a good balance.
It is easy to categorize both side into love and fear quickly at the first instance. However, both sides can be looked from both ways when seen deeply. Ask whether the belief is coming from the love or fear. What can you trust here? Look how you hold your thoughts or belief. Let go is not something you can “do”. Rather you don't have to just invest in holding. First ask why you are holding. what importance or value you are assigning. Is it really so valuable or true? Second is even if it is valuable, can you understand that even if you drop it will be safe. Finally commit to actions or habits or practices which helps to deepening our awareness.
Transcend — You are not the king nor the beggar, you are the witness of yourself. Are we mortal or immortal, the answer is that we are both. As it depends on where you are, it is always contextual. Similarly feeding fish or helping to teach fishing both can be useful as per the situation. Transcending is to question your perspective to see completely in a different way by stepping out and being curious. Zooming out more and more. It is an art. You can experience world as what your mind perceives. Perceptions can be true but not “the truth”, we should be curious to see what else can be true. Can you note 100 ways you are fooling yourself.
Acceptance of current situation is the key. Most cases, there is no change required. Everything you really want can be experienced internally right now. Highest level of ignorance is to believe that you are this separate person. Even after the knowledge, your Vasana's or tendencies will keep repeating. Vasana's have their purpose to get us into a flow without effort. Once we become more aware about them, you can use them more consciously. The key is to notice what is already there effortlessly.
There are three stages of self-development, first being ignorant or a victim, second taking responsibility and working on your self-improvement and finally surrendering which can happen by looking inward. Surrendering or having a blind trust or being a bystander can either come from your courage/ wisdom or it can come from stupidity as well. Though from outside it can look the same. Example you may surrender acknowledging that perhaps you will appreciate the learning of present challenge in future. This is wisdom. Also notice the difference between surrender or letting go vs giving up as it can be tricky sometimes. Self-improvement can be seen as invention vs self-discovery. One is control vs other is based on surrender. Discovery is done with curiosity where invention with planning. You can discover what is already there, but you cannot invent it.
Prayer
I will summarize my learnings with the following prayer which I want to commit to as my daily reminder.
May I be fearless unless required
By challenging my beliefs
By being present to what is
By knowing the temporariness
By understanding the emptiness
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May I embody love
By seeing challenges as learnings
By being grateful to what is
By acknowledging the interconnectedness
By asking myself who am I
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May I live my purpose
By feeling that Universe is on my side
By being spontaneous
By wearing my values
By transcending all polarities!
